Classic First-Date Questions Updated for the End Times

Thinking of conversation starters for a first date can be nerve-racking, but, with Earth’s climate-change-induced apocalypse imminent, there are more options than ever before.

What do you do for fun . . . when you’re not panicking about breaking-news notifications?

What’s your go-to cocktail . . . to drink when it’s a hundred and forty-seven degrees out?

Are you more introverted or extroverted . . . when you discuss the dying bee population?

What do you do for work . . . in the few days remaining before robots take over your job?

How many siblings do you have . . . who don’t know that the Amazon is burning?

What’s your favorite animal . . . featured in a viral video about plastic trash?

What was the first concert you went to . . . at which you remember being plagued by civilization’s collapse?

Are you more of an indoor person or an outdoor person . . . during an electrical-grid failure?

What’s your favorite food . . . to store in your doomsday bunker?

Where did you grow up . . . and begin contributing to greenhouse-gas emissions?

Are you a morning person . . . even after the sun ultimately burns out?

What country would you like to visit . . . if it hasn’t yet fallen into the sea?

What kind of music do you listen to . . . while running from a supervolcano?

How long have you been single . . . as a way to help “conserve energy”?

What’s the last book you read . . . that made you forget about ozone depletion?

Where did you go to school . . . to learn that there are seven billion too many people on the planet?

What’s your relationship like with your parents . . . after they revealed that they don’t believe in climate change?

Is your astrological sign accurate . . . with regards to how you’d handle mass extinction?

What’s your dream job . . . on the new planet we’ll need to colonize?

Who are your closest friends . . . and which ones will you eat first during the coming famine?

What’s your most embarrassing story . . . about needing a small forest to offset your carbon footprint?

How many kids would you like to have . . . not be hit by a massive asteroid?

What’s your favorite TV show to binge . . .. while Iceland holds funerals for its glaciers?

What are your religious beliefs . . . specifically, during a giant earthquake?

Where do you see yourself in the future . . . like, the next eighteen months, max?

Would you like to come back to my place . . . because we’re not doing enough to change the course of self-destruction, and because life is short? Plus, my bunker has incredible snacks.

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